In today's culture it seems that every time you turn around someone is offended in some way, and I find that offensive... 🙄. Seriously though we are bombarded with new ways to offend others multiple times a day by the news, our newsfeed, billboards on the highway, and in print. It becomes exhausting, amiright? Please don't misunderstand my message here; there are times when it is not only appropriate but extremely important to bring attention to a person or group of people who are attacking others because of differences, but that is not the point of this post. I want to talk to you about how you can show genuine kindness for others in the Down syndrome community not because you are trying to be politically correct or inoffensive, but just because you are a human who wants to speak from a place that shows you care enough to consider your words. Sometimes our words are the only tools we have to support others and they can be extremely powerful. I would like to share 3 ways I have learned to use my words to reflect sincerity in my heart. First, a suggestion for a family during or soon after pregnancy/birth. Next, a suggestion for loved ones of a child or toddler who is differently abled. Lastly, one suggestion for an individual of any age (child or adult). Of course my target in these suggestions is families of children with Down syndrome, but they can be applied in so many other circumstances.
1. CONGRATULATIONS vs I'M SORRY. I remember vividly the first person that congratulated me on the birth (and diagnosis) of Beau. It was not a nurse, doctor, family member, or close friend. It was another mom who parents a child with Down syndrome. She congratulated me with joy because she knew. She knew that even though we were in the depths of grief and despair, we would turn the corner sooner or later. We would realize that we would not change him and that his life is a gift. She knew it and she was sincere. Let's save "I'm sorry" for smaller things like when someone has a flat tire, burns dinner, or has a bad hair day. Let's save "I'm sorry" for bigger things like death, violent crimes, or destruction of property. Let's use CONGRATULATIONS for the birth of baby because diagnosis day does not have to be doomsday.
2. Tell me something new..... Ok, so this one I am VERY guilty of. Often when someone has a child under the age of 2 the most common conversation starters (especially between moms) center around milestones and development. Often we may casually say something like, "Is he fill in the blank yet?" (walking, crawling, sitting up, talking, etc.). A very innocent question to show your concern for another person and their child. Right? Well that's what I thought too and I have done it a zillion times. But for a mom of a child with Down syndrome (or other differently-abled child) this question can sting. We know our children will reach those milestones but it likely won't be on the "typical" timeline for most children. So how about this...from now on we just say, "What's new with insert child's name?". And guess what...you can use this same question for any child no matter age or ability. This happened to me recently when a friend I love dearly asked, "Is he walking yet?". I didn't get mad or offended, it just stung. Then two days later a dear woman that I had not seen in a long time asked, "Tell me what's new with Beau?". Y'ALL! I was able to share so many things...how many teeth he has, how he is into everything, and how much I love to watch him interact with his siblings (just to name a few). Once again... this is a question you can ask ANYONE no matter age or ability. So, what's new with your little one?
3. PEOPLE FIRST LANGUAGE: Always strive to use someone's name to describe them. If you do not know their name and are forced to use adjectives to describe someone please identify them as a PERSON FIRST. Use words such as individual, man, girl, woman, boy, student, adult. Beau is not a Down syndrome kid. Beau is Beau. Beau is a boy. Beau has an extra chromosome. Beau has Down syndrome. Out of all three of my suggestions this is the one that can be nails on a chalkboard to me. Fortunately as part of my education and teaching experience I learned about "people first language" a long time ago and have practiced using it for a very long time. I actually may have taken it a bit far, but I am not sure that could ever hurt anything. I try to apply people first language to every person in every circumstance. Here are a few examples:
- she is not a cancer patient... She is a woman battling cancer.
- he is not an alcoholic or drunk..... He is a man with a disease.
- he is not an ADHD kid... He is a student with ADHD (or attention challenges).
- she is not diabetic lady.... She is a lady who has diabetes.
- he is not a Downs kid or a Down syndrome child.... He is an individual with Down syndrome (or Trisomy 21).
Well folks, that's it. I promise that if you can apply these three things in conversation with others you can help to change the narrative about Down syndrome. You can be an advocate for my child and other really awesome children and adults all over the world. You can make a BIG difference in a small way. Please feel free to comment with questions, thoughts, or feelings. Thanks for tuning in for another T21 Tidbit! Have a great week!
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